Growth – I believe growth is inherent in all humans. I mean technically it is a part of our biology. We physically grow bigger from the time of being born. Our minds develop and learn new skills and emotionally our experiences create memories and sensations in the body that change or grow from moment to moment. And spiritually we may grow into new awareness’s of what it means to be human and have a soul or consciousness that is a part of something greater than we can fully comprehend. But yet we are all growing on some level be it automatically or unconscious. The term “growth”, takes on a new meaning when we actively seek it and then call it “personal growth”, which can mean many different things to the individual. For me, growth has a deep-rooted space within my psyche and has taken on new forms throughout the years. It has been the driving force of my life that tied together with “freedom”, to ultimately create my “lifestyle”, which influences all areas of my life.
There comes a time in someone’s life, or maybe several moments that start to define the path in front of us. Perhaps a series of little moments, and at other times more intense moments. And like many moments in someone’s life, there is “THE MOMENT”, which begins to shape the rest of our lives after a sudden external force of inertia to disrupt our reality.
My personal growth journey took flight at an early age, although I was not aware of this at the time. One that sent me on a journey to understand human behavior, family dynamics, and what unconditional love truly means…at least through the eyes of a child. And so it begins…
I have always had an internal obsession or force within me to try to understand everything from multiple perspectives. There was always a reason why people act the way they do. Whether right or wrong, or we agree or disagree, there is always a reason. In later years the truth of some of my experiences would come to full circle because contrary to some of your beliefs, it is never black or white, there are layers of grey hidden within stories to be discovered if someone is willing to look. Of course, in other challenges in relationships that came up that landed me in counselling and holistic therapies along with couples retreats where I learned a great deal about what sexuality means, impacts of childhood traumas, generational trauma and how some experiences are played out within family dynamics. As well as the importance of speaking your truth and having something be acknowledged for healing and growth.
After doing my own healing over the years, there were moments of massive release. When I allowed myself to completely feel and understand the many dynamics of life’s experiences, along with acknowledgment. I knew it was finally complete, that I had done my healing and shared my truth and energetically there was a huge shift, and a weight was lifted. There was freedom. There was freedom in being vulnerable and another layer of growth was revealed. Of course there is always more healing and new awareness arise from past wounds, this is all part of it I suppose.
Over the years I have come to understand that at the very core of all my thoughts, emotions, and desires, was the core value of growth. Knowing this is what lead me to jumping down the rabbit hole and discovering multiple healing modalities, different philosophies or belief systems, and how multidimensional we truly are as human beings.
During high school, I was obsessed with animals, different countries, and cultures and was absolutely fascinated with the wild Australian Steve Irwin, AKA, “The Crocodile Hunter”. I even had his figurine kept in the plastic package because I thought it would be worth something one day and loved pressing the button to hear “crikey, she’s a feisty shella”. I imagined living in Africa in the wild with the lions or in the jungle with the gorillas, living amongst different tribes and learning about their culture, how they lived, their traditions and beliefs along with exploring the food variety. So when it came near to graduation and my parents asked me what I want to do after high school, I decided I would go to university to become an anthropologist to study humans. Well it didn’t take long to realize that my lack of high school grades and academics, followed by my hormonal influences and love of men and drinking far outweighed the years of dedication required to pursue anthropology. So pipefitting it was, which in a roundabout way placed me in an environment to learn very closely how we interact as humans… and there was men and a lot of them, so win win I’d say, not to mention I would not have done so well with the bugs in the wild anyways… but that is a whole other story of growth and freedom for another day.
Thinking back throughout my childhood and adolescence, I always seemed to place myself in awkward situations where there was a moment of growth. Whether it was saying yes to be a flower girl for a relatives wedding and last minute deciding I had to say a speech to the bride and groom and with that stood on a chair right at the table where I was eating and in front of a large newfie wedding, giving my blessings to the newly married couple. And made my own family cringe not knowing what was going to come out of my mouth. Or later in junior high when I was extremely shy and still remember and feel the anxiety of having to stand up at the podium to deliver a speech to the class but in 8th grade, I had another surge of growth pushing me and delivered a speech that won me a medal in the top 3. I’m not sure who was more surprised, me or my family because my brothers would make fun of me and set me up to be the one and order pizza for dinner only to quickly hang up the phone the minute they asked me what I wanted to order.
But nothing prepared me for the vulnerability that came during a couples retreat at Esalen in Big Sur California. That exploration opened me up even more within my marriage to my now ex-husband. Again, there was this internal obsession to explore every possibility and to understand my struggles in that relationship and needing to feel free and a desire for personal growth but also to have a partner seeking growth at the level I was looking for. I recall telling my husband at one point very open and honestly that the idea of things staying the same made me want to run out the front door and not come back. That was a very real moment of how deep my desire for growth and the freedom that came with it was engrained in every fibre of my body. I loved him very much and he will always hold a place in my heart for all that we shared together. I never gave up seeking until the moment arrived when I fully accepted my relationship for what it was and wasn’t. I was at peace and realized that freedom was a state of mind and also a choice. And then my whole world changed in a single moment.
It was September 2021; I was headed to Calgary for the first in person Reiki class since Covid. I had already taken several Reiki classes prior to this one, but honestly was just going to have fun, be around like-minded people and there are always new learnings each time. But not like this time. This time would blow every other experience out of the water. On the last day of the course, in the morning during our meditation prior to beginning, I had an experience. I was remembering and feeling a past life with another individual who was attending the course. It wasn’t just a past life, but what felt like the beginning of many past lives with this person. As I was feeling what I can only put into words as being the closest thing to pure unconditional love or a cosmic love… whatever that is. This feeling and knowing sent a shock wave throughout my body and every cell begin to vibrate or become electrically charged. I was vibrating, it felt like I was being downloaded and activated at the same time.
The tears started flooding down my face and my eyes were fluttering while still closed in meditation. My mind came in and was telling me WTF is happening and why, and what am I supposed to do with this information. But knowingly, I felt something I have never in my life felt before, something so strong and powerful and undeniable that without knowing this person in this life or reality, and yet I had the deepest sense of unconditional love for this human and somehow, I was meant to be a part of his path or journey in some way. I felt honour to know him this way. When my eyes opened again after meditation, tears still flowing, I looked at him in front of everyone and said, “for whatever it’s worth, I have so much love for you”. His response was way more light and not so intense with a simple “thank you” and not much more was said after except my apology for making things awkward or weird. We laughed it off and that was that. Except I knew I was completely fucked from that moment on.
He continued with his own personal growth journey, and I went back home to Fort McMurray, but nothing felt like home anymore. Things were changing very fast. New levels of awareness were emerging, and I was feeling the end of a timeline with my husband and the new but not so new feeling of a life or future with this person who entered my heart. It was all happening simultaneously and was a very weird surreal feeling. This led me to the greatest transformational period of growth of my life. In January of 2022 I ended my relationship with my husband, moved out of the house and back into my apartment downtown. I switched teams at work because I worked on the same team as my husband. I rehomed my 6 sugar gliders that I loved dearly, ended up taking a leave of absence at work to figure things out.
I let go of most of my material belongings and took a step back from my business on the side. When I decided to share with Colwyn (my now partner, the one I had the meditation experience with) some of the life changes I made, a friendship started to blossom through online messages while he was in Peru. Through his own growth and experiences, he then came to realize like I did, that we were meant to be together, and it was just going to happen one way or another. After a trip to Hawaii that held many more moments of growth and realizations to follow. I flew across Canada to meet Colwyn where he was staying to visit family and together with a spicy cat named Marvin, we drove back to Calgary and rented an Air B&B until we found a place to call home and rent. I walked away from both mortgages, filed for a consumer proposal in order to not have the debt of my apartment and left Fort McMurray where I lived for 24 years, to quitting my job as a pipefitter for Syncrude of 20 years.
Major shifts in friendships, and I’m sure many concerns by family, and more awkward moments to have.
I am now finally starting to settle into a new lifestyle, one created by a desire for growth and freedom from all limitations or constructs of reality by society. Never underestimate a single moment. A moment can completely shift the course of our life path and our consciousness expands to see another angle of the picture.
The growth that has taken place from the little girl, where I had to unlearn my beliefs and what love means to me, has been one of the greatest gifts in my life. To the many changes in my relationships that are my biggest teachers of life, is my motivation to keep seeking further into the truth of things, is and always will be where I find freedom in the growth to learn more of who I am. It has become a lifestyle, where all areas of my life are driven by growth and to share with others in that experience as we are all learning and growing from one another. It is freedom to explore what is truly capable of humans, the potential of what we can become, and to push the boundaries of what we think limits us. I believe our growth as individuals is what connects us to understanding a little bit more in our humanity, and our connection to something beyond the physical.
Growth is ever changing, unfolding over itself like a black hole creating new depths of expansive energy. It is infinite, there is no end point or final destination. There is no right or wrong way to do it, only what we make it mean. It is messy, nonlinear, painful, amazing, filled with freedom and joy all mixed in together. It is not limited by space or time. It can be experienced in a moment, through a song, watching a movie, day dreaming, in meditation, or in any interaction. It is present within everything and everyone. It is multidimensional.
As always, thank you for tuning in.
With much love and blessings,
Vicki xo.